When Sh** Hits the Wall

For those of you who are not familiar with the term "Spoleto Festival" let me fill you in on the basics: A whole lot of people and a whole lot of crazy. Nobody should find this offensive as I am solely referring to the patron factor.

The building I work in will be operating practically 24/7 and will be covered with multitudes of people... you just can't keep out the riff raff these days. At the thought of risking a Vietnam flashback of last year's festival, I have vowed to prepare myself for the worst. Let me tell you about the worst thing that could happen and definitely will happen. (Please exclude obvious terrible things, i.e. death, broken bones, air conditioning outage, etc.) The worst thing that could happen will be from here on out referred to as an AFR. That's a special code.

An AFR? Accidental Fecal Release

YES IT HAPPENS
I've got many witnesses of a full on coniption of mine from last year.

I'd like to inform you all that an AFR is not age or gender specific... and suprisingly it almost always is committed by an adult. So I was very wrong 6 years ago when I swore I would not be cleaning up someone else's #2's until I had children of my own. It should be noted that 6 years ago I was changing diapers in a daycare. I don't want to get into the details but here's the straight facts:

• It will happen
• It will be where it's least expected (yep, believe it)
• I will probably throw up more in 17 days than I have in 17 years

However shall I prepare for this catastrophe? I have decided to put in a request for a hazmat suit. That's right Archibald Jelly Williams, I'm talking to you. It can't possibly be that much of a controversy. I'm sure Lady Gaga has a few bedazzled ones in an egg or a deer carcass or whatever she's living in this week.

Secondly, I would like to have dunce caps given out to these individuals if and when they are discovered. They will have 3 to choose from:

1) "I CRAPPED ON THE FLOOR"
2) "I CRAPPED ON THE WALL?"
      *This one has a question mark because I can't even begin to understand how that happens?!?!*
And my all-time favorite:
3) "I CRAPPED IN MY PANTS AND DECIDED TO FLUSH MY XXXL UNDERWEAR DOWN THE TOILET ONLY TO REALIZE THAT THEY DIDN'T FIT AND I'M TOO LAZY TO CLEAN UP AFTER MYSELF SO I'M GOING TO LET THE PEOPLE THAT WORK HERE FISH IT OUT"

In conclusion, let the grossness begin.

P.S. I'm a little sad that so many of my stories revolve around poo.