Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Hope Moron Ain't Contagious

You know when you're already having a bad day... and then a giant bird flies over and takes a giant bird crap right on you head during some giant crappy moments? That is how I have felt for the past two days. I can't seem to get one thing to go my way, even something as simple as keeping my keys in my hand. At one point today I dropped them 5 times in a row, I counted. What a backwards day. I would literally lose a million dollar bill right now. It would vanish in front of my face because the Universe knows that I'm going to lose it anyway.

The past 48 hours have been a whirlwind of stupidity. I mean, the kind of people that define the word "moron." I have had to cope with the fact that people are stupid enough to eat the air freshener out of the public restrooms at job #1. I understand that they may look like candy or possibly just colorful rocks, but who would eat anything coming out of a bathroom.... a PUBLIC bathroom? Wow, humans, way to embarrass humanity all together. Those Renuzit crystals better not make you crap your pants...again!

Also some side notes, I've managed to offend all the taxpayers by my mere presence. And someone managed to leave a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes behind. Seriously? We are trying to run a classy establishment, keep your shoes on! This ain't a Kenny Chesney video!

P.S. A man yelled at me tonight because his grown-ass 23 year old daughter and him are having some parent-child authority issues. She went out with some guy and had not returned by 2:30 AM. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!? Sorry your daughter is slutting it up. Enjoy grounding your TWENTY THREE YEAR OLD child.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

A Money-Slingin' Panther

Wow, it's only 2:30 AM and my night is far from over. Vlademir is being extremely uncooperative and it looks like I'll be holding down the fort for the rest of the shift. I've had my third war of the night with the copying machine and just had to tell some guy that he couldn't bring his pit bull into the hotel to which he replied "but I play football for the Carolina Panthers, Google my name." He then offered me $200 to let him check his dog in too.

Enter extreme sarcasm/bitchiness. They go hand in hand at this point.

"Oh, you play for the Panthers?? Why didn't you say so?? Well, you know what I'm going to let you do? Figure out something else to do with your dog because this is not a pet-friendly hotel. And while we're at it, your monetary offer is a giant slap in my face as you essentially would be paying me only $200 to lose my job."... that doesn't cover one month of student loans.

He ended up finding something to do with the dog and finally asked if I was Asian. It's been overdue, I suppose. I didn't even look this guy up seeing as he did not want to pay the steep $20 it costs for valet parking but was willing to empty his wallet for his dog.

The random drunk guy laying on the bench hollered over to me after our "football player" left, "Why didn't you take the money?"

In my classically corny fashion I followed with, "I play the game of my life my friend and I plan on coming out ahead." And then I disappeared around the corner. Yep, that's what I said. I'm just glad nobody as cool as myself was present to witness that.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Some Unfortunate Happenings

Well, it's official... I will now be avoiding the hotel bathroom at all costs. It's not the drunken, crazy bachlorette parties or anything else that vomits all over oneself. It's the fact that when I took my one trip to the bathroom at 6 AM this morning I caught a hotel employee washing their hair in the sink among other things you do at home. At the risk of sounding like a germaphobe, let me paint you a picture. There was hair everywhere and when the "job" was done, the hair remained. I know that even at my worst moments in life I've managed to somewhat clean up after myself... of course that may be because of the fear. The fear of embarrassment that this individual obviously does not have. To sum this morning up, EW.

Just had to mention the first thing on my mind. Unfortunately and as expected, it was bathroom related. On a positive note, I had the rare oppportunity to enjoy a free weekend these past few days to be a carefree 20 something. Got tipsy, got burned, got sleep. Three characteristics of an awesome weekend that of course was topped off with spending, eating, and people watching. It was a weekend full of a series of uncomfortable events (as is life) but the event that takes the cake has to be....drumroll.... the waitress who confused the bar/restaraunt she worked in for a whore house. Let's spare the details. Point is, there is that "no drinking at work" rule for a reason. I am sorry to all the parties involved as they are friends, but thank you for a hilariously awkward story.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My Kryptonite

I remember when I was a kid, I often had a few dollars in my shoe. I'm not sure why... I'm going to assume I didn't have pockets with whatever tomboy attire I was wearing at that age. The point is, I'm sure we've all been there with our sweaty foot money.

Flash foward to adulthood (you know- with pockets, wallets, purses, the whole shebang). A man paid for his hotel stay with cash this morning, I'm talking hundreds of dollars of the green stuff. I'm not sure where he pulled the money out of because I'm too short to see that far over the desk. I'm already uncomfortable enough handling that amount of mulah but the not-so-pleasant surprise was the cash itself... wet. Well, it wasn't raining outside... so why is your money soggy? I'm not sure I want to know.

Have you ever smelled money? It's disgusting. The higher the bill, the worse. So not only am I holding wet paper of an unknown origin but they are big bills. I'm sure they include traces of cocaine, feces (here I go again), etc. What is the next plan of action? Naturally, for someone this obsessive, find a sink! Oh but wait, the nearest sink is on the other side of the building... it's obviously ridiculous to have any type of employee bathroom. I'm sure the next guest could read my panicked expression as I tried to think if I had touched my face or hair. I eventually was able to wash the hell out of my hands... and to be safe, I took a shower.

So, there you have it folks. My kryptonite... wet cash.

Yay, Thugs!

I haven't had a full night of sleep since last Thursday and I have reached the tipping point... my exhaustion has become physically painful. I can take solace in the fact that I have the opportunity to sleep all day tomorrow, but I've got to make it through 6 more hours.

I'm surprisingly okay with having to work tonight. My not-so-powerful 2 hour nap was interrupted every 20 seconds by the shrieking child in the house next to me. I can't be mad at her. I'm sure that I would be just as upset if I realized my dad was displaying all of his samurai swords on the living room wall too.

The hotel is fairly dead this evening, aside from the usual Tuesday night debauchery, and I hope it stays that way. Edwina called out sick earlier and I enjoyed a secret victory dance inside my head. The past two nights have been consumed with her nightly habit, obituary reading... it's a little game I like to call "Wow, That Thug Was Such a Nice, Young Man." I'm sure at some point in our lives we will all have the unfortunate experience of knowing someone who has been taken under gunfire. However, this woman seems to know every single thug that's been shot up within a 50 mile radius and then continues to stress what a shame it is that they were killed. Do we see a problem here? I'm pretty sure the Universe is trying to say, "Hey, you're hanging out with the wrong crowd!" Hell yeah, I'm completely judgemental. If I could spout off 20 people a week that were guilty of armed robbery, drug trafficking, etc. and then died in some heist gone wrong... well, let's just say "GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!"

I'm feeling a little mean today. My sleep deprivation has got the best of me and I'm down on my luck... but I got to keep my head up.

Monday, May 16, 2011

When Sh** Hits the Wall

For those of you who are not familiar with the term "Spoleto Festival" let me fill you in on the basics: A whole lot of people and a whole lot of crazy. Nobody should find this offensive as I am solely referring to the patron factor.

The building I work in will be operating practically 24/7 and will be covered with multitudes of people... you just can't keep out the riff raff these days. At the thought of risking a Vietnam flashback of last year's festival, I have vowed to prepare myself for the worst. Let me tell you about the worst thing that could happen and definitely will happen. (Please exclude obvious terrible things, i.e. death, broken bones, air conditioning outage, etc.) The worst thing that could happen will be from here on out referred to as an AFR. That's a special code.

An AFR? Accidental Fecal Release

I've got many witnesses of a full on coniption of mine from last year.

I'd like to inform you all that an AFR is not age or gender specific... and suprisingly it almost always is committed by an adult. So I was very wrong 6 years ago when I swore I would not be cleaning up someone else's #2's until I had children of my own. It should be noted that 6 years ago I was changing diapers in a daycare. I don't want to get into the details but here's the straight facts:
  • It will happen
  • It will be where it's least expected (yep, believe it)
  • I will probably throw up more in 17 days than I have in 17 years
However shall I prepare for this catastrophe? I have decided to put in a request for a hazmat suit. That's right Archibald Jelly Williams, I'm talking to you. It can't possibly be that much of a controversy. I'm sure Lady Gaga has a few bedazzled ones in an egg or a deer carcass or whatever she's living in this week.

Secondly, I would like to have dunce caps given out to these individuals if and when they are discovered. They will have 3 to choose from:

      *This one has a question mark because I can't even begin to understand how that happens?!?!*
And my all-time favorite:

In conclusion, let the grossness begin.

P.S. I'm a little sad that so many of my stories revolve around poo.

Summing Up Some Things That Don't Correlate... As Usual

Sunday No Fun Day

There is so little to do when the hotel is far from full. I finished all of my work by 11:45 PM and had nothing to do until 2:30 AM. This is nothing compared to the building full of drunks from Saturday night... and I mean beyond hammered. We found one guy passed out in the elevator with his foot sticking out the door and his friend was not too far from the same scenario. I was labeled "bitch of the night" after my threat to call the police within 20 seconds. I'm okay with that. I have absolutely no tolerance for that level of crap, especially for men of that age. I've got the whole thing on video... partly for the incident report but mostly for the entertainment.

Edwina's ability to fall asleep as soon as she hits a chair has been driving me crazy. So, imagine my silent victory when the owner popped in at 6 AM to pick up the one piece of paper I had just put in his box. What was the first thing he saw? Edwina, wrapped in a blanket, sleeping, and with a desk covered in magazines and cut-out coupons. When she was asked why she had one of the hotel's blankets around her, she told the owner that I was freezing her to death. I don't think so missy. My rebuttal? "Don't blame your menopause on me woman." He liked it.

On to the next job!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Night Creatures...

Remember this guy....

This is the spitting image of the hotel's overnight bellman. A real life zombie. Trust me when I stress that this is not an exaggeration. I suppose anyone would grow to look like this working graveyard shifts for almost two decades. However, this is not a pleasant sight. I've decided to not give him a name and he will only be referred to as The Night Man. He is one of the most unusual people I have ever been forced to interact with and makes every situation uncomfortable. He reminds me of a schizophrenic dishwasher that worked at a former job of mine. Always spouting off nonsense phrases... "banana cheese," "spaghetti grits," etc. Some of you may be familiar with that former acquaintance of mine as he went by the name of a popular fruit. So, congratulations if you've experienced that.

Back to The Night Man. He is the ruler of the parking garage at night and it's just best to avoid the area. One time he popped out from behind a car to scare me as I was trying to park. Let's just say he's lucky I didn't get out of my car and key him to death with my Wolverine attack. (You know ladies, keys between the fingers... and then straight for the eyes!)

Just thought I'd introduce another character from my present life. I'll leave you with the last thing he said to me this morning.

"You know when the (insert made up word) takes the gooney and the (insert made up word)." And then enormous cackle... confusing. Welcome to my every day.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

"Chop, Chop" Goes the Jackhole!

Monday night was super fun at the hotel... not! Working alone for the second night in a row got old really fast.

I will never understand how the drunk count is often significantly higher on a Monday than a Saturday. Must be those crazy conferences, all drunk off of synergy! That being said my new friend, Mr. Jackhole, made his 3rd jackhole appearance around 2:00 AM. Drunk? But of course! Speaking in the most condescending manner, he clearly wanted me to know how superior he was to me. About two and a half hours later he came to the desk demanding to know where his car was since he had requested it to be outside at 4:15 AM. "I have a flight to catch and you need to do your job. Chop, chop!" Oh yeah, he did that... hand gestures and all. "Sir, have you even looked outside? No? Well, maybe you should head on out there because that's where your car is." As he stumbled over what to say next I said "see ya" and disappeared back into the office. That guy was a jerk and I'd love nothing more than to chop, chop his head off but he makes himself look like an ass so my job has been done for me.

Literally what he looked like every time he spoke, hee haw:

Monday, May 2, 2011

Bittersweet Symphony

Wow, I have been in Charleston for over a year and have accomplished so much on my own. Today I'm proud of me. I'm going to go home, sleep in a cocoon for a few hours, and then spend of the rest of the day in a sleep coma on the beach.

The weirdo radar has been pretty low for the last 24 hours so I don't have a whole lot of craziness to report, but I'll be by myself at the hotel tonight so I have no doubt that this has been the calm before the storm. Sunday was a day of goodbyes. I knew it was coming but these folks have made my life in Charleston pretty funny... and often strange, which we all know I love. Who wants to be dull?

Cue "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve

Ira, Lee, Mikey, Stephanie, and Mary-E:

Thank you all for your friendship these past 10 months. You are the most interesting, crazy, funny, loud, and open people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so glad that I got to have you in my life for the better part of a year. I'm going to Facebook stalk each and every one of you in every size, shape, and form. I'M GOING TO "POKE" THE CRAP OUT OF Y'ALL! LOVE YA, MEAN IT ;)