Saturday, April 30, 2011

Serenity Now!

It's been one of those days... the kind where you drop everything you touch, every car is driving 30 in a 45, you have to repeat yourself 72 times to the same small group of people, and the only thing that would make anyone feel better is to go home and sleep off this frustrating day. Oh but wait! You've got another job to go to!

Nothing like facing a long night of drunken jerks with an attitude that you just can't shake. Who wants to put on a smile for some slimy creeper while the only thing you want to do is set something on fire and cackle? This is what I looked like coming into the hotel tonight:

So far my face has remained stone cold and I'm obviously ready to hit everybody with my dagger eyes. I thought that things at work would be a little better since I came up with my ploy to keep my coworkers semi-awake. I stole the chair that they typically fall asleep in because it is the only remotely comfortable chair that leans back in the entire office. I've been able to keep up with this for a few weeks and it's been quite helpful. However, Vlademir just can't keep his eyes open tonight... or his venus fly trap (mouth). He is upright, unconscious in the worlds most uncomfortable seat, and I have watched him fall asleep twice while on the phone with a guest. I have turned the ringer up as loud as it goes and it is very possible that people can hear it in their rooms. I just keep on hitting redial on my phone everytime I hear the snoring start. Mean? Yes. Effective? Enough. (He may look awake but gibberish is no way to make sense)

I'm hoping luck finds my way soon. I don't need a break, I need a change of pace. I feel the silver hairs coming...

Friday, April 29, 2011


I thought I would just jot down some things people said throughout the day at job #1. The following were said by tourists, employees, and random people I'm not sure about:

"I've got blue on my face"

"I can't believe Dracula is coming back... that's awesome!"

"I don't have eyes on my ass!"

"I want to take advantage of people..."

"What's that smell? I can taste it."

"Let's go loquat picking"

"What Cityville? Do you feed the homeless?"

"Do the stairs go up?"

"Wow, you're really beating me with that X."

"Why would you say you don't know if that's a word? You know when people say I got kicked in the gnads?"

"It's greasy because I just ate steak... not that kind of steak, I'm heterosexual."

"There's someone out here, I don't know if it's a man or a woman and I need your help."

"My britches are falling down."

"No! We're going to eat it! Why would you waste good sugar?"

"Look at the wiz!"

"I'm sitting here with my blue beard on, watching cuppy cake boy for the 5th time and I feel totally normal..."

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Some Lines That Rhyme About My Favorite Morning Road Nazi

To the thing that does the street sweeping
You keep these stupid, young ladies weeping
I've warned them of your power
But the look they gave was sour
Because they were picked up by guys that were creeping

Their cars were blocking the road
And you had to lighten the load
Now they'll have to pay the fine
Nobody listened to the advice of mine
So the street doesn't smell like a commode

He surely is a keeper
The towing toll isn't getting cheaper
We'll keep him around
To clean up the town
That righteous old street sweeper

Monday, April 25, 2011

Freezing For The Cause... of Menopause!

Nothing like working the graveyard shift with a menopausal woman. I'm pretty sure my teeth have been chattering for about 2 hours now and dumb old me forgot my parka. Who woulda thunk that I'd need it in 90 degree weather? (Speaking of 90 degree weather, let's get excited about downtown reeking of horse crap for the next 5 to 6 months!)

My "midlife passaging" co-worker, Edwina, has successfully intercepted all of my attempts to adjust the thermostat all night. It's amazing, she'll be completely out and making a noise that I can only describe as someone wringing out an "oinking" pig and can still block my stealthiest of moves. Maybe it's just me but I'm thinking 60 is just a smidge too cold.

I think it would be pretty funny if we all wrote down what we ACTUALLY do on a resume. Mine would include some of the following facts:

- Constant state of amusement
- Professional vomit cleaner
- Certified rejector of old men's advances
- Point of over-reaction target
- Accomplished in waking up sleeping co-workers
- Skilled in the art of smartass answers to super douchebags
...and the always fun...
- Excellent messer of the messees

I can't say that my insane schedule is always a downer. I'm going to get my sleep on a deserted beach all day. Monday Funday!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Twas The Night Before Easter... And a Lady Made Me Unhook Her Bra

It is a very young Saturday night and Vlademir is out cold. 13 minutes into a shift and he could wake the entire first floor. Every once in a while I check to make sure he's still breathing... if the snoring actually stops, that is.

Well, I can say that there is no request that will not be brought up... and by 'request' I mean 'demand.' A woman who implied that I was not capable of understanding simple questions yesterday TOLD me to unhook her bra tonight. Oh yeah... that happened. I understood that she couldn't reach but why would you travel alone with clothing that you cannot put on or take off yourself?

I'm not looking forward to spending my first Easter without my family and being at both jobs all day but I can take solace in the fact that someone (my new friend Curly) will be taping up my hands to see how many things I can or cannot do without my thumbs tomorrow. I'll make sure to have no shoelaces near me!

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Cherry That Topped My Crap Sundae

I've got 1 hour until I can go home and sleep for 12 hours... and I will. It's 6 AM and I've got the shakes. Coffee has lost its purpose, my contacts are trying to pop right off my eyes, and the only song on my iPod that I want to listen to is Sting's "Fields of Gold." I have no explanation for the song.

I'm going to have to invent a new term for the word "exhausted." This weekend has been hell. Everyone has complained about EVERYTHING and all I want to do is hand out IOU's to all the jerks for one giant slap in the face. Want to continuously ring the bell while I'm talking to another guest? You need to be slapped. Want to bitch at me for the fact that YOU forgot to schedule a taxi at 5 in the morning? You need to be slapped. Angry because you were put in a room with one king bed and a chair that YOU booked but brought along your four kids and wife? Too stupid to be slapped... that just calls for an enormous eye rolling.

It was bad enough that I barely sat down at either job all weekend but the cherry that topped my crap sundae was my experience as a housekeeper. To keep that story short... the bellman and I had to clean a room, kind of an emergency cleaning. Old food, stained sheets, and I'm afraid to know what actually took place in the bathroom. Guess the hurricane of gross decided to pay a visit. We both double and triple gloved up and braved the stench. Reward? We each made 5 dollars which I used to buy my coffee... and as mentioned, it served no purpose.

This place could learn a thing or two about what an incentive actually is... that's a story for another time. This has been another adventure from the tales of a disgruntled night auditor.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Friday's Abusivisity

I think we all can agree when I say customer service is abusive.

It's funny that I rely on all of these "customers" that make my stories so entertaining. What's going to happen when I remove myself from this type of work environment one day? I suppose I'll just have to interact with people on the other side.

I understand that in some situations I am going to have to be the outlet at 2:30 in the morning. I let them yell at me and get all their frustrations with life out on the desk. That's fine, I'm not taking it personally but when you question my intelligence repeatedly we're going to have a problem. What part of my not-so-smart self was being challenged? Oh just the issue of what kind of food will be delivered in the very late hours of the night (or should I say morning).

What I would have liked to say this particular individual:
IS THIS FOR REAL? You are going to continously tell me that I'm wrong? Do you understand the concept of time? Please use one iota of your brain for 2 seconds. You are in a city that you are unfamiliar with, it is in good ole' South Carolina, and the bars have closed. Can you get a hamburger? Why yes, of course! It's called McDonalds and I promise you they won't deliver and NO your car cannot be pulled around for you. Why? Because you're missing a shoe and you smell like a microwaved diaper. Is it safe for me to assume that you're intoxicated? Absolutely! You've obviously puked all over your shirt and you are double fisting some Natty Light... classy. So, for the fifth time here is the number for pizza. How can you be so picky? You're just going to throw up whatever you eat again.

Good thing I never act on these rants inside my head. There is no getting through to drunk people. I suppose my cavelierness (not a word) has saved another soul from turning to stone due to my death stare. Now if only my theory of permanent dunce caps would pan out...

Monday, April 11, 2011

Hi-ho, Hi-ho it's Off to Picking Up Pinecones I go

I was under the impression that after I had graduated high school (6 years ago) and moved out of my parents' house that I would be exempt from yard work until the day I had my own yard. WRONG.

Maybe it's just me but I remember having to stay home some weekends while in high school to pick up sticks, pinecones, weeds, and other prickly items. I was banned from both the push lawnmower and riding lawnmower after my dad discovered the beautiful zig zag lines that were covering the front yard... courtesy of me. He just couldn't appreciate good lawn art.

Anyway, some gift from the gods granted me 3 full days off from both jobs and they all happened to fall on this weekend. Okay, okay they didn't so much fall as I planned it and asked off for them but let's make it sound like a miracle. I've got to add some pizzazz to this 20-something purgatory. As I was saying... I had the weekend off and decided to spend it with my family. What did I plan to do? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! My mind, body, eyeballs, hair, fingernails, etc. were exhausted beyond belief. But as fate would have it, I found myself enjoying some mindless TV show when somehow I was roped into going outside and helping clean up the mess of a dead, torn down pine tree.

Vietnam flashback? Not so much. I enjoyed the time with my family and chasing my dog with yard work tools that she hates. I also got the opportunity to vacuum all of the saw dust out of the grass. That's right, VACUUMED THE GRASS!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Heeeeeeeere's.... Bibles?

The last few nights at the hotel have been uneventful and trust me when I say I am thankful for that. However, a minor incident that happened this past weekend is on my mind. I'm not even sure if it can be classified as an 'incident,' maybe just a happening. A woman came to the desk in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday to let me know that there were Bibles lining the 4th floor hallway. Odd...

Now, a hotel can be creepy late at night... a scene right out of "The Shining." So imagine the same thing but with Bibles mysteriously lining your path down a long, deserted hallway. Is the boss man sending a message to the sinners of the 4th floor only? Maybe, or perhaps Gideon's people have struck again.

Freedom of speech can be a blessing and a curse. So, go ahead and spread God's love or hate or whatever you're after for the day but this act is going to cost some dough. Call me a heathen but I asked the bellman to remove all the Bibles. Why? Because I know people. If we had left the Bibles on the doors, I am absolutely positive that at least one person would have come to the desk claiming to be offended. They could claim to be the most devout atheist on Earth and demand their money back and then be right on their way to Bible study that afternoon. These are probably the same folks that claim someone has died to get out of something. Don't worry, they're digging their own grave.

Have I become the Antichrist? I'm going to go with no. I can just honestly say that even decent people are always willing to lie, cheat and steal... so why not get a free room night out of it?