Thursday, March 31, 2011

I get by with a little help from my... indifference.

All actions, opinions, and proceedings are derived from job #1 (Law & Order noise)

If the actions/complaints of the elderly are any indication of what my future holds as an old person, I better find the fountain of youth. I'm aware that my sarcasm and indifference to unimportant matters may annoy some, but as informed... that is unimportant to me.

Things that are important:
*Emergencies - "Chairs #4 and #5 are mixed up!" is not an emergency, switch them around.

*Work - the fact that you are elderly and feel the need to tell me you are running late (as an unpaid volunteer) because of a diaper related incident is not considered work-related for me. "Sorry I'm late" will suffice.

This is generally the day-to-day mountain of a mess I deal with. Do I care? Not really. It provides me with some pretty funny stories and a chance to use the words "thanks for sharing" a little too much.

In response to a volunteer apologizing for missing the last 3 shows I said "no big deal." Why? Because it's no big deal. She then began complaining how the people who coordinate the volunteers are so cavalier. When I re-introduced myself for about the 5th time, she continued to use the term repeatedly. Since I'm positive that I am not a knightly gentleman, I will have to assume that you are calling me indifferent. Well, thank you for pointing out something I am already aware of. Did my cavalier attitude towards your uneccessary apology upset you? Would you rather me hulk out? Wait until you "accidentally" scream at a confused patron again... because a confused patron is NOT A BIG DEAL.

So, volunteer whose name resembles a sound one might make in a bat cave, thank you for pointing out my quality that makes me relaxed. Oh and we won't be seeing you anymore since you couldn't stop calling one of our actors in the building "sissified." They're just feelings, they'll heal.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Art of Hunting the Faceplant

It's that time of the week again... Saturday.

The pitter patter of drunken bachelorette parties, the sweet sound of projectile vomitting, and phone calls from a not-so-sweet old lady claiming that prostitues have taken over the second floor has occupied most of this evening... and the bars haven't even closed yet.

We're free until it's time to run the audit so Vlademir and I are awaiting our Saturday treat... THE FACEPLANT. It's like hunting for the Lockness Monster. We often catch the very end of its appearance or hear the noise it makes, but usually miss this beautiful encounter. However, every once in a while fate is on our side and we are lucky enough to catch the mother of all drunken trainwrecks.

This Saturday we have 5 known bachelorette parties in the hotel. This means 5 times the drama and 5 times the laughs. I know, I know... it's rude to laugh AT people, but how do you expect me to react to 4 intoxicated women arguing over whose pink dress is the true shade of hot pink? They also informed me that the maid of honor was kicked out of the drinking binge early because her dress was salmon colored. Can we say BRIDEZILLA?... or better yet IDIOT? I wonder what their survival skills are like. I would watch that reality show. No make up, no phone, all crying.

The faceplant has yet to present itself to us, but I have faith. The bars just closed and the event draws near...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The misinterpretation of easy-to-read, few-syllable words

If there is anything I've learned about tourists it is that they don't read, won't read, and can't read. A big sign that reads "CLOSED" should not be interpreted as "PLEASE COME IN." While we're at it, a sign that reads "WE ARE CURRENTLY CLOSED FOR A PRIVATE EVENT, PLEASE DO NOT ENTER" does not mean that your safari outfit wearing family can come in for a tour of the building at 9:30 PM. How can this be misunderstood when there is a giant cocktail party of elegantly clothed old folks going on?

The amount of adult aged people that push their faces up against the windows at job #1 is impressive. However, the building has just been washed so I would love nothing more than to squirt them with a water bottle when I see this ridiculousness in progress. Just like a cat that doesn't see it coming...

Just a warning: they will also walk into ANY unlocked door, so watch out residents!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Money doesn't buy class... or common sense

This is an easy one. Watch one of the Real Housewives shows... living, plastic proof. While we're on that topic, how are they dubbed housewives when many of them aren't married and have jobs?

A man attempted to flaunt his wealth in front of me tonight. Word to wise... this doesn't sit well with someone in my position. It should be noted that he just kept giving me answers to questions I didnt' ask. I have no idea what his profession is because I stopped listening, but it was fun to show how unimpressed I was. He told me he makes $250,000 a year. I said, "CONGRATULATIONS." He told me he drives a Range Rover and has some fancy something or other back home. I said, "EXCITING." He continued to go on and on about himself while I got some fake paperwork done. He then asked if he was bothering me. I responded, "Certainly not. It seems like you really need to get these problems off of your chest." Thank goodness people kept calling the desk because he eventually gave up and left.

I wonder what went through that guy's head. You see me at a front desk at 1:30 AM on a Monday (now Tuesday). Even if you don't assume that I most likely have another job, you should at least come to the conclusion that I am probably not making it rain (money... I can totally make it rain rain). What makes anyone think that I would want to hear about their miserable, paid for life. I'm not stupid, I'm sure he's lonely but Senor Money Bags needs to work on his conversation topics. An immediate remedy? Get a dog and join eharmony.

As soon as I get off of work at 7 AM I am free until 8:30 AM on Wednesday. EXCITING.

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm not Asian... that's just my face.

Quite often I find myself in mid-conversation with a complete stranger when they pop the age old question..."Are you Asian?" Now, I don't find this offensive at all. I'm great with all things Asian. I've learned to have fun with this over the years by making people uncomfortable and of course exercising my imagination.

My favorite response to "are you Asian?" is usually "No, are you?" I like to save that one for the obvious non-Asian folks.

In recent years I've become quite creative. In a heartbeat I can create some rich back story and just when the story gets really good, I stop and fess up. However, the question still lingers. "But you really look like you might be somewhat Asian." Never fear people, compare me to someone who actually hails from some Asian background and you'll change your mind.

A few months ago a group of men came to the desk at a horribly late hour. This Asian talk started again. It may have been the massive sleep deprivation or the large group of douchebagery that had taken over the lobby but I came up with my new response. "I'm not Asian... that's just my face." This is always to be said with a straight face and monotoned voice, followed by an annoyingly animated smile.

I'm sure if you researched my history, ancestors, yadda, yadda, yadda... you'd come to the conclusion that I'm just a completely adorable mutt.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Delerium sets in.

Sunday, 20 minutes until I get off of work, and I should be banned from speaking to anyone. Delerium has set in and kidding around with folks has taken off to a whole new level... of weird. Our transportation service guy came to visit us at the desk this morning before his next pick up. He got to telling me a story of some extremely wealthy people who flew all the way to Charleston from Seattle just to get dinner. Insane! He then asked me what would I do with all that money? Naturally, in my zombie state of mind, I said, "Take a nap, buy a pet alligator, and set up a special school for Keebler elves."

Hoping I get to grab a quick nap before I do that to someone else.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Let the DRUNKING commence!

The Friday night after St. Patrick's Day. I think we all know how this goes... after 2 AM expect nothing but a shit show.

A woman comes to the desk at 2:30 AM and let's us know that her friend hit her head and they need to go to the hospital for stitches. Hit her head, you say? On the toilet, you say? This can only mean one thing... DRUNK!

"Mam, is your friend intoxicated?... Please don't just stare at me. I'm going to find out one way or another... Okay, well your crossed eyes aren't helping your case... You might want to stop swaying and laughing... never mind, I can smell her."

Intoxicated? Me thinks so! Case solved and our job is done.

It's 3 AM and the night is young. I may be back.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Fanny packs and pantaloons

The tourist season is upon us. Hectic? Yes. Annoying? You betcha. Entertaining? Entirely.

The one way streets, wandering kids, and horse carriage tours never make driving through downtown Charleston a simple drive to work. Tourist season can make a 10 minute ride into a 45 minute crawl. Let's find the funny.

On one street corner I counted SEVEN fanny pack wearers. I understand the concept but let's not pretend that they can be taken seriously. The repeat offenders wear some horrible neon visors... i.e. my mom, circa 1997. Carowinds was pretty embarrassing for me.

Yesterday, a tour guide for a church chased a couple down the street trying to convince them to come inside the church. She's a sweet old lady... has definitely lost her marbles. My boss pointed out something stuck in her knee highs. Pantaloons? Why, yes, of course. I'm certain she was friends with Ben Franklin so we can't harp on this disaster too much.

Yes, I'm dreading the entire tourist season but at least I've got a lot to laugh about.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

My thoughts at 5:40 AM

It's 5:40 AM on Tuesday morning. I have an hour and twenty minutes until I can go home but knowing the morning crew... I'll leave 30 minutes late.

These are literally the thoughts going through my head. I've got a lot of balls bouncing around in there.

The word DEFINITELY does not have an 'A' in it. I'm not the world's best speller, but I did pass the second grade. Get with it people.

A man called the desk last night and asked if I'd help him navigate the porn channels... as enticing as that sounded, I not-so-politely declined.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they ring a bell.

Horse carriage tours. I don't know why people pay for those ridiculous things. Almost everything is incorrect. Want some history? Read a book... or better yet, walk your butt around and take an actual look at history and ask some questions. Sometimes at job #1 (a historical landmark in downtown Charleston) I stand outside and wish I had a big red button to buzz every tour guide when they say something way off. It's one thing to be a few years off here and there but 90 years is a pretty big difference. Come on...

I haven't been grocery shopping in 2 weeks. Is it sad that I've been content with eating cereal for almost every meal?

I watched a little bit of "Too Young to Kill" on E yesterday. I've been thinking of escape routes in all types of situations in case some crazy guy lost it. Seriously, all situations; grocery shopping, at work, parking garage, at a stop light?

I worked two full nights by myself in the hotel this week. I was pretty lucky that nothing major happened. A man got really mad at me around 2 AM because the air conditioning was too loud for him to go to sleep. I love getting blamed for something I have no control over. I offered to move his room but he bitched about all of the bars on the street... it's also my fault that he couldn't figure out how to use the wireless internet.

I hate when people leave blue tooths (tooths or teeth?)  in their ear all day, especially when they are working. I want to yank it off their head, stomp on it, and say... I'm sorry I can't ever tell who the hell you're talking to. I just want to help you look like less of a jackass.

I hope I don't fall asleep in my work clothes when I get home. Yep, I get to sleep today.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Ah, the night shift...

Let me just begin by saying I fear for anyone's future who decides to spend their life working graveyard shifts. You will, without a doubt, become a zombie.

I'm currently working a second full time job auditing at a hotel in downtown Charleston, SC. I didn't purposely try to maim my social life and ability to sleep. I just found myself in an impossible situation and the bills have got to be paid. However painful it is to work so much right now there are endless amounts of hilarity that continue to come along.

For example, as soon as I walked in the door at 11 PM the phone rang and my co-worker, Vlademir, answered. The guest on the other end yelled out in his drunken stupor, "HEY MAN, I NEED A BITCH AND A BEER!" When Vlademir let the guest know that he couldn't help him with the issue, the belligerent jackass proceeded to tell Vlademir that he was some kind of prestigious guest of the hotel. The phone call didn't end well but this is when I imagine Seth Meyers from SNL come in with his segment "REALLY?!"

REALLY?! self-entitled some-level-of-membership-holder? I'm fairly certain you can take your 50 to 60 year old self out the door where tons of drunk bitches with beer can be found. This is Charleston, SC which is absolutely nothing like Vegas. And let me just tell you... when you call a desk at a hotel, all of your information is pulled up. We all know exactly how to judge you and if you're lying. Enjoy the rest of your night Mr. High Roller because your credit card has just been declined...

Saturday was fairly tame this weekend. Only 1 call to the cops, 3 bachelorette parties, and 2 screaming matches in the lobby. This is nothing compared to the naked hooker at the desk 2 weeks ago, the girl who threw the bell at me, or the man who spit dip out while screaming that I don't even know what college is... I can't make this stuff up. I know a lot about college. I'll be paying for it for then next 10 years.

This is just a tiny bit of what I want to share right now and just the hope that if someone reads this they'll remember to treat human beings just as that... human beings. I have no doubt that I'll have something crazy to add tomorrow...or today... or tomorrow, depends on when I sleep. I'll continue this for a while. I have to document something. I'm pretty sure my friends think I make all this craziness up.